snow day.

Something about waking up and looking out my window to see flakes of snow piling up on the the trees makes me feel like I'm 5 again. It's definitely a feeling that can't be replaced.

I'll admit it. The snow looked so beautiful to me today, I almost cried. Is that normal?

i'm a little crazy.

So when I am anxiously anticipating a reply text, I'll blast the music in my car so I can't hear whether or not the alert sounds. Waiting nervously for a text sucks.

Mad Men

I'm currently obsessed with Mad Men, so I entered in a contest to possibly have a walk-on role. Vote for me if you have the time! :)
http://madmencastingcall.amctv.com/photos/view/509/sort:Contestant.screen_name

nothing to lose.

It's a week before graduation and I have yet to cry. I know the tears are in me, building up and waiting for the most inopportune moment to come cascading out of my eyes-- but the trigger has not presented itself yet. I don't really know what I'm going to miss most about college. It pains me just to think about it though.

I'm excited. Ready to move on. I want to embrace change. But I cannot process such a huge change so soon.

I'm scared.

In other thoughts, I can't decide whether or not I am lying to myself or maybe my heart really does not have the ability to feel romantic anymore. emo, much?

thoughts.

After having to write a (very forced and poorly written) response to Regarding the Pain of Others by Susan Sontag, I had a thought that I've been having a lot lately. I've also recently watched Dreamworlds 3 and Generation M (Misogyny) and this has contributed to similar thoughts. College has definitely been a soul-searching learning experience for me. After interacting with so many different individuals and being exposed to all this different material, information, and viewpoints-- I've grown a lot as a person, and my thought processes have definitely developed. I now realize how much of our world is controlled. What we like, what we know, what we think all controlled by someone else. Usually intentionally. How scary is that? What thoughts and feelings are our own? Although it seems like a silly question, when you think about it-- it's really difficult to discern between what thoughts we have come up with "ourselves" and what thoughts someone else has knowingly implanted in our heads.

Dreamworlds 3 and Generation M both opened my eyes and disgusted me at the same time. Another thing that I learned in college was how the equality between men and women seems to be declining rather than leveling out. Women are nowhere close to being treated as equals to their male counterparts and the double standards that exist cannot be more prominent than they are in college. I always loved looking at music videos and pictures of "hot girls" and I suppose the reason why is because I somewhat idolize them. After watching those documentaries and realizing how demeaning these images have become, it makes me question whether or not I should be striving to look like them after all.

In addition, Sontag's argument about whether or not there is "collective memory" makes me really evaluate a lot of the things I've learned in "history" or seen in the news. After IB History of the Americas in high school, I began to more critically read "history" and have tried not to be as "trusting" as I used to be when it came to learning those topics from textbooks. I agree with Sontag's argument though-- memory is so limited and it can be so unreliable. Pictures are great, but they only tell a piece of the story; and when they are the only piece that a person sees, it can be a dangerous thing.

random thoughts:

Even a subject as banal and safe as the weather, is "relative".

People from the West Coast.. completely different than people that grew up on the East Coast.

Smelling incense reminds me of dead people.  It always will, no matter how many hippies I befriend.

How I know I've grown up:

I don't like missing class. 

details in the fabric.

Pet Peeves:

1. When songs include "answering machine messages".  This often ruins what would've been a good song. It's worse than when people just talk.  It's unnecessary and usually you can't even understand what the person is saying because the background music mixed with mumbling makes whatever they're saying completely incoherent.

2. Not being able to fall asleep at a decent hour.

.. this list will be added onto later.

time after time.

Timing is key.  You could meet the perfect person at the wrong time and it wouldn't be right.  'Right place, wrong time' is completely feasible.  It happens to me all the time.  Maybe it would've worked out if it happened just a little bit later.  Maybe if it happened sooner, it would've never happened at all.

I believe in "The Secret" to a certain extent.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up.  Basically, it's the belief that the universe gives you what you ask for.  I don't know what to ask for, so the universe doesn't know what to deliver.  I'm indecisive, impulsive, and often indifferent.  I settle for less, I settle to be second best, I just settle.

I need to start asking for more, because I know I deserve better. 

I give, you take. 

dream on.

Last night, after what felt like 15 minutes of sleep, I was jolted awake from a terrifying nightmare.  From what I can recall, I was running away in slow motion trying to escape a deer that was relentlessly chasing me.  Someone was in front of me, running further and further away, trying to escape as well.  Although the deer was moving slowly, I couldn't seem to move fast enough to get away.  Suddenly, it opened its mouth, and bit my left arm.  Simultaneously, I jerked my arm and hit the extra pillow I have set against my window on my left side, and woke up in the process.  The feeling of the pillow following on my arm, coupled with the image of a deer biting my arm, caused me to gasp in terror or surprise (or both?) and my eyes shot open.  

Surprisingly, I was able to fall back asleep relatively quickly and easily, and all was well.  

I need to start writing down more of my dreams. What the hell is going on in my mind

release.

If my life were charted on a line graph, I feel like the past few months would be represented by an exponential slope of growth.  I make the comment, "we're getting old", pretty much once every other day-- hearing about the events going on in my friends' lives gives a clear indication that things are definitely changing.  Most importantly to me though, is I have finally begun to understand and accept myself more and more.  I am beginning to see what I value the most, where my reactions come from, what I need to work on, etc.  The thing that I haven't figured out yet: my future.

Never before in my life have I had such an opportunity to freely choose where I want to take myself.  I can do anything, go anywhere.  It's a scary and exciting thought.  And a decision that I probably won't make for awhile.