love.

At 23 years young and with only one "official" relationship under my belt, I almost feel underqualified to comment on the subject of love. Although I know on paper my experience looks sparse, I feel blessed to have encountered significant people that have taught me so much about matters of the heart at such an early time in my life. I may not have had a boyfriend since the age of 15, but I know I'm lucky to have experienced so much and so many different types of love before and since then.

Lately I've slowly come to the realization that I feel completely different about relationships in a subtle but also very drastic way. It was a gradual acknowledgment on my part-- I only began to notice it when I listened to old and new songs that I expected to tug at my heart strings in a certain way. They still spoke to my soul in the way that exquisitely written lyrics and beautifully composed music will always affect me, but something had changed and I couldn't feel the same feelings that I expected myself to feel when I listened to these songs. It would take a couple months, flying from coast to coast, talking and interacting with old and new faces, writing my first wedding toast for a close friend, and lots of reflecting time before I could pinpoint what exactly had changed.

Someone told me recently that he admires me because he knows I have a "magnificent heart". At the time I thought it sounded almost silly and almost too magical to actually make sense. It was a compliment, and I've never been one to accept compliments gracefully, so I let it float around somewhere in my memory, not understanding the description enough to acknowledge its existence.

I'm beginning to believe more and more, mostly because it's becoming impossible to ignore, that the Universe conspires to reveal things to you when it knows that you're ready for them. Shortly after my friend gave me the glowing comment about my heart, another friend confessed to me that she wasn't able to bear a pseudo-relationship situation anymore because she knows she has a "weak heart" and it just couldn't bear to carry on any further. Suddenly everything made sense. Clearly, I had forgotten all the years of Pre-Med Biology classes that taught me about physiology, because I would've remembered that the heart is a muscle. As with all muscles, they are strengthened when exercised and pushed to their limits. When you go to the gym, you sweat, max out at the bench, and endure soreness the next few days in order to build up and define your muscles. The heart is no different. The more you love, the harder you love, the deeper you love, and the more love you experience-- your heart becomes stronger for it.

Furthermore, if I had really studied the organ systems better for my MCATs I would've known that the heart is a myogenic muscular organ. It's not just any muscle. It's composed of cardiac muscle, an involuntary striated muscle tissue that's found only in the heart. What's significant about that? Involuntary means without volition. Volition is defined as the act of choosing or determining. A heart is an unique muscle as you don't get to control it. It just beats whether you tell it to or not.

This is real love. Somewhere along the way in the past year, I learned to stop trying to control and tame my heart and let myself love freely. Without expectation, comprehension, or condition. Unconditional love, although extremely frightening, turns out to be much less painful. Because when you truly love selflessly, you learn to expect nothing in return, thereby avoiding the inevitable disappointment that comes with expecting something from another human being. This sounds almost pessimistic and depressing. But it's far from it. When you come from this place of such uncertain vulnerability, you also free yourself to experience a limitless amount of happiness that can't be attained without exposing yourself in this manner. It's a mature kind of love that I feel like mothers probably possess for their children. Only when you are able to give this kind of real love, are you able to receive such great love in return. And with all the best things in life, it doesn't come easy. It takes hard work, patience, honesty, and lots of faith. I am far from fully attaining this form of real love, but I am so grateful that I now know a glimmer of what it could be when I do get there.

I used to be scared of using the word "love". I only wanted it to be reserved for special occasions, with special people. Because of some silly childhood misinterpretation of Disney princesses and fairy tales, I thought love had to be reserved for only one person in your life. I read a quote the other day that resonated with me:

"When you understand someone, truly understand someone, no matter who they are, you cannot help but love 'em, even though you might not always love what they do."

Obviously, I feel like I understand more than one person in my life, so it would be dumb of me to try to limit my love to a solitary person. It took me awhile, but I have finally given myself permission to love as many people as much as possible.

Lastly, the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" has come to mind recently. Although I've always related with Julia Robert's character and found Cameron Diaz's character to be ridiculously annoying, she says something in the movie that I have decided I'm going to try to live by.

"If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just... passes you by."

Never deny or hold back from the most important thing in life. Love!